3 Month Cancerversary!

I know when most people celebrate anniversaries they also say "I can't believe it has been that long already!".  But you know, the last three months have been the LONGEST of our lives.  It seriously feels like Josh has had cancer for a year at least.  But nope, just three months to the day.  At least he did it on April Fools Day so we have an easy date to remember! ;)

We have kind of really built up this 3 month check in, cause this is when we finally get to meet with the doctor again to check in.  Josh goes for his bone marrow tests on Wednesday, and he is pretty worked up about it.  I tried to talk about it in the car yesterday and he was quick to cut me off cause he just does not want to think about it at all.  My poor guy.  I know how worked up I got about all three c-sections (since I knew about them in advance) so while I don't know the physical pain of bone marrow testing, I completely understand the mental aspect of preparing for something of the sort.  We're also not even sure they will have the results at the appointment next week, so we could be getting worked up over nothing.  I can't imagine they will process the bone marrow tests before then. Although the PCR test can be done with blood, so perhaps they will have that test result available.

We are having a bit of confusion about whether or now Josh needs to go in for bloodwork before Wednesday.  I downloaded this pamphlet from MDACC about BMA with sedation and at the end of it there was this highlighted section that said to make sure you have bloodwork done 48 hours before and not the day of or results will be delayed.  Not really sure if that is accurate for Josh's situation, but we emailed the Leukemia center to find out.  Still waiting on that - hopefully not cause it is a long trip for just a ten minute blood draw!

Things have been pretty intense emotionally this last week or so preparing for next week's visit.  All the what ifs and concerns just never seem to leave my brain.  I think the hardest part is that next week we still won't really have a clear picture if the meds are working.  CML is so crazy cause when you look at the early test results of people who three years down the road are doing well, they often look exactly the same as the people who are dead three years down the road.  The percentages and reductions are so very drastic at first it always seems like good news, but in reality just .1% on some of these tests is the difference between someone who is responding well and someone who is not. 

We took the kids to the beach this week and it was a nice diversion.  But at the same time I couldn't help but to watch Josh play with the kids and wonder how many more times we will get to do this together.  My brain has been doing that with nearly everything we do lately.  CML has given us this urgent desire to spend every single moment we can with the people that matter most to us.  We really enjoyed every moment having fun - watching the kids delight in the simple joy of the ocean. 

Everything that has gone on in the last 90 days has really made us ponder those big life questions.  You know, looking at what we do with our time.  How we live our life.  What we choose to do.  What we need to do to feel satisfied and fulfilled.  It is definitely not something that was on my radar a few months ago, at least not seriously.  We definitely had some very superficial answers to those questions because they weren't really a concern for us.  You know, it seemed like we just had so much time.  The realization that time is not guaranteed has been extremely difficult to stomach.  It was tough 90 days ago and it is still tough today.  We have been praying for God's direction in many areas that used to seem so very cut and dry.

I don't even know how this post got so down - just really trying to keep it real and honestly portray what is going on with us right now.  I have been asked why I am doing this blog, and really it is help me.  I don't know why but it just makes me feel better to get this all out "on paper".  And my hope is that someone else who is going through this exact situation can find some sense of comfort in what I have written.  Even if it is just to know that somebody else has been through the exact same emotions they have.  I have already gotten a couple of amazing emails from strangers dealing with CMl, and it has definitely made even the few posts I have written worth while.

And I know this is a blog about Josh and I sure seem to write about myself a lot.  You can rest assured, though, that when I'm writing about what I am going through, Josh is also experiencing.  We are so very similar with our emotions and reactions to things I often find myself saying to him, "I know this is crazy, but lately I have been feeling...." only to have him respond "I was just thinking the same thing last night."  So peeking into my brain gives you a peek into his as well! :)  Happy Three Month Cancerversary, honey!